Me=mentally ill deftones fan in love with Chino. Read my blog.

Me=mentally ill deftones fan in love with Chino. Read my blog.

Gosh darn that Chino for writing so many lyrics that are so enticing! I actually thought, and this was not too long ago, that Chino had surveillance on me in my own home and in my car. I thought that he wanted to marry me and that the surveillance was his way of making sure that I was the one. Needless to say, i suffer from bipolar disorder and was having a "manic episode".
I met someone who claimed to be Chino's cousin, and it prompted me to buy Diamond Eyes finally. It took me longer than usual to purchase it, being a huge fan, I usually buy Deftones cd's when they first come out.
So I was texting back and forth with this guy Marco (the guy who said he was Chino's cousin) and all of a sudden I pictured Chino taking Marco's cell phone and giving Marco a different one to use so that he could talk to me! haha. But in all fairness, there were a couple of things Marco said that persuaded me to think that. Number one, he was really eloquent and smart sounding (the way I picture Chino sounding) which didn't seem to fit his gangster style of clothing and rap music he listened to. Not that rappers aren't smart, but the texts just sounded like they could be Chino. And number two, I was driving around one night, and got lost, and I texted him and asked him to help me since he worked in the town I lived in, and he was like, "I don't know that town". So I was thinking, 'hmmm. He works here but doesn't know the town.' I thought that was weird.
So then I was listening to Diamond Eyes nonstop and of course fell in love with SEXTAPE first, but all of the songs seemed to speak to a girl with special powers of some kind. I thought he was referring to a Christian girl (which I am) like in ROYAL when he says, "complex priestess come down" and in PRINCE when he talks about relating to someone's devotion. That song is so awesome too how it talks about someone with "the mindset of a killer" which would be really powerful if you set it to meaning someone being a killer of racism and hate.
While driving in my car, I got the idea that there was a camera or recording device in my dash, which had been installed in my Toyota during the recall, so Chino could hear what I was listening to and saying in my car. LOL. But seriously, in the song BEAUTY SCHOOL, he says, "I kinda like you when you make up the reel...stop the tape or resume" so it does kinda sound like surveillance could've been used by him for something. My favorite radio station at the time was Sacramento's 94.7 FM and so I thought Chino knew I was listening to it, and since I was friends with his "cousin" on facebook, I thought that he had access to my facebook and was looking at the songs I was posting and using his musical influence to put my favorite songs on my favorite station because more and more of my favorite bands kept getting played. Haha! But really, this is how things manifest in your mind when you are bipolar.
I was so happy in my own little world thinking that Chino was watching/listening to me.
So one day I was driving and listening to 976 EVIL and thought that I saw Chino pull up behind me in a big ass truck, like a freight truck. I was sure he was trying to blend in and also have a sweet big rig at the time. haha. and I really thought it was him too because I was staring at him and it really looked like him. So the song was like, "crack a smile and wave" and I thought, I'll do that! haha and he didn't wave back, but I still thought it was him.
So then I started relistening to older albums like Saturday Night Wrist and Deftones (self-titled). Well that's when the shit hit the fan because I somehow managed to relate most of those songs to myself. Sometimes even more than the new stuff.
See, I thought Chino actually may have remembered me from a concert I had backstage passes to back in like '98. Me and my friend Jazpur saw them in Sacramento before they got so big with White Pony. (Well they were already big, but got bigger, of course) So we saw the show and it was f-ing awesome as usual, then we got to actually hang out after the show which was so awesome. I remember I was wearing my Radiohead Ok Computer t-shirt. So after the show we were talking to good ol' Chi who is so great and sweet and we were just chillin. But I wanted to meet Chino so bad, well I mean, I was like 15 at the time, so I was totally nervous and wasn't sure if I was gonna go up to him or not, so we just went to the backstage area.
He was there. But I just stood there, paralyzed. He was sitting down on a couch or something. There were people talking between me and him. He got up and walked past them, and saw me I think. I think he looked at my shirt. He didn't say anything to me, but he said "hi" to my friend Jazpur! So of course I was happy and pissed at the same time that he had said hi to Jazpur.
But anyway, I thought the song RATS!RATS!RATS! was talking about me when he said he should have said something. I know, I know.
Then the song RAPTURE talks about tattoos I think, and I had gotten a white pony tattoo after the White Pony cd came out, but it's a sort of wrathful, angry song, and I thought Chino was mad (haha) that I had chosen to get two more tattoos after the white pony tat. They were two angel wings that I had designed and wanted to get in Mendocino at Triangle Tattoo. This was in like 2008 and Saturday Night Wrist came out in like 2006 so there's no way he could've written RAPTURE about my tattoos, but I thought so at the time. Also I recalled that the tattoo artist was from Sacramento. His name was Freddy and was working at Triangle then. So then I was like, 'oh he's from Sacramento, he must've told Chino about the wings.' Yeah.
Then there's CHERRY WAVES which I thought was about me because of my religious experience in 2002 when I was living in Seattle and walked into the Puget sound with intent to kill myself :/
But it ended up to be a good thing because it was actually my baptism into Christianity. CHERRY WAVES always gets me. Every time.
Then the picture!! (in the insert to the cd) Chino's wing on his arm. Omg. That shit drove me nuts because I didn't notice it until after i had gotten my wings.
Now if Chino was trying to get someone to be concerned about him, he couldn't have done a better job than with PINK CELLPHONE. Wtf? I mean some of it is cool but some of it is like, 'Chino, are you ok?'
Before this whole me-thinking-he-liked-me thing happened, (mental illness) that song made me want to send him a letter, which I did try to do, but it kept coming back to me.
COMBAT I thought was about a piece of writing I'd written which I thought Chino had somehow hacked into my facebook page and seen it. It goes like this:

Reality.
this is what i need to escape.
time has broken me.
every minute
of her, him
not knowing what needs to be done.
it's ok.
they'll never know.
but it doesn't ease the pain at all.
i'll ease it.
by drinking,
smoking.
the things that COMBAT
indifference

can't stand it when she doesn't care
can't stand it when anybody doesn't care

this is why we fight
i'm fighting for all of you.

i understand the pain that comes
from indifference
this will get worse
as time progresses.
we will fight harder.
more violence.
more casualties.

Pay attention!
is all I can say.
the news will tell you.

it might be wise to put your trust
in something bigger than you.

like God.

And so I thought when he was like, "whose side are you on?" that he was talking about my line, 'I'm fighting for all of you'. Anyway.
So then the self-titled album, HEXAGRAM I thought was about my religious experience when I tried to kill myself pretty much for God, receiving the Holy spirit in return. ("Death is the standard breach for a complex prize") And that he was telling me to balance out my Bible reading, church going, and praying with playing. Going out. Meeting friends.
I thought BATTLE AXE was about me being "asleep" and thinking I wasn't crazy when he wanted me to be crazy and out on a limb and love him more. (Hee-hee)Keep in mind that none of these ideas even occurred to me until a period of like, 3 weeks.
I love ANNIVERSARY OF AN UNINTERESTING EVENT. And I thought the waves he was talking about were the waves I caused in Mendocino when I was in high school. And then when he was like talking about "not since you left have the waves come" and "the rocket's rain is keeping you wet in your deathbed" that he was trying to say I should move back to California from Seattle. lol. But I LOVED the Deftones and was pretty much obsessed with them ever since I first heard them on my friend's cd player in chemistry class. I was the Deftones girl. People would make fun of me. So anyway I thought he was saying I made waves for the Deftones in Mendocino. I guess I did get a lot of people into the Deftones. I still do. :)

(poetry copyright 2011)